Jessica’s Story: Avoiding the Unavoidable
I have been going through this period of avoidance when it comes to what I feel and experience downtown and I realize that it is by and large just selfish. There is so much joy and laughter but when the moments of grief come, when the loss hits, it seems to come right out of nowhere and I am rendered a paralyzed puddle. My gut reaction is to run from how I am feeling and as a result leave my community to fend for it self. Although grief and loss may not be dealt with in the healthiest of ways downtown, my community is no stranger to loss. Loving someone, sharing with them and building meaningful relationships only to have them taken too soon is nothing new downtown and no matter how much I know that in theory, when death comes I am useless and I selfishly what to focus on the things I could have and should have done or will do next time. I want to hide and not feel.
I have been avoiding the death of a friend for a week now. Knowing I need to walk with my community through this but unable to let myself feel it. I hate even writing this because it is sad and depressing and morbid and that is not the way things typically are at HOME. Even in the midst of loss there is joy and unity, but I am a middle class girl from the suburbs and I don’t really know the first thing about living in poverty and trying to survive, unless I can read about it or have a friend tell me. What I do know is that this death will leave a big empty space. This friend was loved by many and he will be missed deeply. I have written about him before, I feel privileged that I got to know so much about his life and I was able to share his story with others.
I don’t know what to do with loss and most of my instincts are selfish, but I am reminded of what was said to me last Sunday when I learned of the death: “he doesn’t have to hurt anymore.” It is simple and might even sound a little childish, but I believe it is true and that makes me cry a little. Not tears of loss, but of relief maybe. He had so much pain and now he can just rest.
So today I will go downtown and I will remember this friend with my community. It will be sad but there will be hope in the middle of it, there always is.
Steve Kimes 08/31/10 7:44 PM |
I have found it is very difficult to be “at peace” with the death of a friend, because you are supposed to help others deal with their grief. Not the same as your avoidance, and I don’t have problems crying in front of others, but when I’m leading a worship service or comforting others, I find that I get no release myself. I honestly don’t know how to deal with that.
x 09/11/10 9:41 PM |
I love you.
larry 10/9/10 9:44 AM |
AS WE AWAKE;BLINKING,BREATHING,SEEING,SMELLING,FEELING,MOVING,THINKING,SEEKING,LAUGHING,LOVING,CARING,SHARING,LISTENING,ACCEPTING,KNOWING,FORGIVING…………GOD’S GRACE IS WITH US ,FOREVER GRATIFYING……….with goodness and meaning.EVEN IN DEATH THERE IS LIFE;Jesus solved that!!!!
larry 10/9/10 10:05 AM |
As we awake; blinking,breathing,seeing,smelling,feeling,thinking, moving,seeking,laughing,crying,loving,caring,sharing, listening,knowing,accepting,forgiving…………….. God’s grace is with us………… forever gratifying…… with goodness and meaning. Even in death there is life:Jesus solved that!!!!
dory 04/3/11 5:15 AM |
sorry to hear of your loss,may he rest in peace…
Melvin 04/10/11 2:19 AM |
I was homeless for 11 years. I got my ssi. Then got a place indoors. I feel it was a blessing from Jesus.I enjoy
going to home pdx to be with friends and help others with
there bike on sunday. Thank you all for being there for all of us. And God bless you all. Life will go on in heaven.